christmas morning

i had such a great holiday. i came home from work on christmas eve and dave had spent his morning off cleaning the house and our hardwood floors were shiny and beautiful. i walked into the kitchen and in the middle of the table was two dozen red roses and a letter to me from dave. it made me cry. i love dave so much and he knows just how to make me feel special. after i read the letter, we went to brunch at mimi's cafe and came home and got ready for dinner at aunt rosemary's house. it was so fun to see rosemary and kent, jennifer, david and catherine and their families. it was the icing on the cake to have my brother thomas arrive at 7:30. he had had such a rough drive in the snow and it was so great to see him and give him a hug. i cannot remember a better christmas. i truly enjoyed the time that i was able to spend with thomas, dave, rachel, jeremy and jj. dave spoiled me silly, and it has been so fun to use the fancy new gadgets that he bought for me. i can't wait to take the christmas decorations down so i can hang up my new mirror, it matches our bookcase perfectly.


thomas opening digital camera from mom and dad


dave opening ratatouille dvd


this is the present that was in the big gold box, it has been such a lifesaver in helping me sleep. baby knows me well...


rachel, jeremy and jj came over to open presents and eat some brunch. it was so fun to spend time with them.

we have a heartbeat

we had our second ultrasound on tuesday and we saw our little peanut's heart beating at a speed of 140...it was the most incredible thing in the world...we are so thrilled and grateful for this amazing miracle growing inside my tummy...

baby love

after work today i was spent so i just cuddled up on the couch under a blanket while dave went to "run some errands" or so he said...when he got home he did some wrapping in the basement and then he brought up this ginormous gift that wouldn't even fit under the tree with a bow that was bigger than my head. when i asked him what it was(i always ask what my gifts are and dave is really getting better at not telling me and making me wait, darn it) he said, "it isn't from me" so i went over to investigate...the tag said it was to me from baby. wow, either this baby really loves me or it is pretty tricky by using a decoy box. i guess only time will tell...

one year later...

today makes one year since we lost our little angel. it was a hard day for me at work. i snapped at my sister in an email(sorry rachel) and was pretty unpleasant to be around at work. each time i saw the date(whether in an email, my outlook calendar, what have you...) my heart just dropped. even as i write this i am sobbing. it has been such a challenging year for me and in so many ways i have changed. the only thing that cheered me up is the queasiness in my tummy to remind me that miracles happen. today made me realize that pain is still there. the time that has passed and the baby in my tummy does not erase what dave and i have been through. i can't even express the love i have for dave and his constant support, patience and love he always gives so freely to me. he knew i needed to get out of the office and take a break so he sent out an email to all of our friends at work inviting them to join us for lunch and the six of us went out and i was able to laugh and joke and forget my troubles...dave is so amazing and i love him so much.



this is the ornament i bought for dave last christmas. it is our angel, "the angel of the heart" and when i look at it, i think of how far we have come...

preggie pops

well morning sickness officially arrived at our house last night. rachel and jj had spent the evening with us and brought us dinner and dave and i were settled in and ready to go to sleep when it hit me, i said to dave, "i feel like i am going to throw up" and he jumped up and went to get me a bucket and not a moment too soon...yuck. this morning was the same story, i felt so nauseated after i got out of the shower and once again i lost my cookies. all morning at work i sipped sprite and munched on saltines but they only provided momentary relief. after work dave and i stopped by babies r us and picked up some preggie pops(lollies that are supposed to help with queasiness) and i hope they will help me...so far i have only tried the sour rasberry and i liked the taste of it...they have some unusual flavors though, ginger, spearmint and lavender...i guess ginger is supposed to help with nausea. we'll see. i'll let you know what i think later. the jury is still out...

the weepies

how can i compare you to
a favorite pair of shoes
maybe my bright red boots, if they had wings...

something to be extra thankful for...

it has finally happened. we feel so blessed and overjoyed. we found out i was pregnant yesterday. i was at "enchanted" with my mom and four of my five sisters and my niece and nephew and i got a call from my doctor who had very good news for me. i stepped out of the theater and heard her say, "you are pregnant" and i just couldn't believe my ears. i went back in the theater to finish watching the movie, but i kept my news secret until i could see dave. we spent the evening putting together these soda bottle labels and it was so fun to be able to announce it to our families on Thanksgiving day. it was truly a thanksgiving miracle. we had contemplated waiting to tell our families because of the losses we have experienced in the last twelve months, but decided that we wanted to share the news when everyone was together and in town. it was so fun to see my sister Laura pull out one of the bottles to see what flavor it was and her realization of what the label said...i loved her yelling, "are you serious??" and smiling and hollering until everyone came over and realized what was being announced. it was by far the best thanksgiving i have ever had. i do not have words to express the happiness i feel right now...i think i am a little bit worried to let my heart be as happy as i long to be because i know the pain that accompanies the loss of that kind of happiness, but right now i am content to let myself be happy and thankful for such an incredible blessing.



a toast with my family at Rachel's house...




then Laura took a picture so i could be in it, here it is...






miracles happen.

some things never change

i laughed so hard when i saw this picture of my childhood self...my little round face and the joy i had in holding a book. reading has always been one of the great joys in my life, i guess some things never change.

christmas ham soda, anyone?

so the folks over at jones soda have offered special holiday flavored soda for years, but this year they have switched it up a bit...in previous years they have offered turkey and gravy soda, this year the christmas pack consists of four holiday flavors:

christmas ham soda
egg nog soda
christmas tree soda
sugar plum soda

while the thought of ham-flavored soda doesn't sound that appealing, i am intrigued. has anyone out there tried any of these novelty sodas before? i may just have to pick up a pack, just to try it...

when life seems dark and cold...

my friends and family know this already, but i have had a rough time lately. last year was a really hard one. dave and i had many challenges to overcome. dave's father passed away unexpectedly ten days before our wedding, a month later i lost my grandpa ward, and it seemed like i lost my dad all over again. things were kind of tough for us and then in October we learned we were pregnant. oh, the joy we felt. i don't think i have ever seen dave more excited about anything. then two weeks before christmas we lost our baby. i remember talking with dave about what a tough year it had been for us. i also remember thinking that the coming year would be better. it felt like we had been through so much. here we are a year later, and i am still struggling...my health has really deteriorated. i am not responding well to the fertility medication that i am on and the past couple of weeks i have felt so depressed. it has been a long time since i have been so discouraged. i feel worse lately than i felt right after we lost the baby. it seems like i am past the point of growing and learning and using this situation to help me become more compassionate and loving...now i just feel jaded, angry and despondent. at least that is how i have felt the last few weeks. today was a really hard day for me. a woman i work with walked past my desk today and said in passing, "you sure don't look like that(referring to a picture i have on my desk of dave and i at our wedding) anymore" and then she just laughed like she was the funniest person alive. this is a woman who is so unhappy with work, a woman that i had hugged in the elevator less than a week ago because she was in tears...this was the last straw. i just needed to get out and take a break. i asked my co-worker if it was cold outside because she had walked down the street to get a drink from the grocery store and she said that she was very chilly even while wearing her coat...i decided i would brave the dark and cold weather anyway. i left for my lunch break and drove up to my dad's grave. they have put my grandpa ward's headstone up finally, it looks really good. as soon as i got out of my car i broke down in tears. as soon as i sat down, the clouds broke and out came the sun. it felt like it was shining only on me. it was such an incredible experience for me. i sat and talked to my dad for the better part of an hour and i was warm and comfortable because the whole time the sun was shining directly on me. i really felt my dad with me. i think that is why i stayed there so long...i felt so much peace, peace i haven't felt even though i have really strived and yearned for it...even though my dad is no longer living, i could feel his love and it was just what i needed. it made me feel like even when things seem dark and cold, you never know when the sun will suddenly be shining on you. i know that is a pretty simple metaphor, but it was such a sweet experience for me and i will always remember and cherish it.

**the picture above was not taken by me today, but that is really what it felt like**

six facts about me

I've been tagged... by Kim
Here are the rules:
A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player lists 6 facts/habits about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. i do not have a sense of smell.

2. i had a head injury in the year 2000 where i had over 20 brain contusions and the midline of my brain shifted three degrees, and miraculously healed...the only lasting effect of this injury was the loss of my sense of smell.

3. my hair was always stick-straight until after my head injury and now it is very curly naturally, but i still blow dry and straighten it almost every day(even though dave likes it better curly) i have heard that it may have been the trauma, that my skull became thicker, that people with curly hair have thicker skulls and the hair follicles have to work harder to grow out. i don't know if this is true or not, but isn't it a fascinating explanation?

4. i have a birthmark on my left eyelid. it has lightened up dramatically over the years, it used to be so dark. when i left the state to go to college, one of my best friends told me that one of the things she missed most about me was the birthmark on my eyelid...

5. i love to read. it is one of my life-long dreams to write a book. i am currently reading "the virgin suicides" and it is a very interesting read.

6. i have chronic insomnia. i have for as long as i can remember, even as a young child. it has definitely gotten worse over the years(i never can sleep unless i have taken some kind of sleep aid, but the prescription sleeping pills like ambien don't work for me) i have always had vivid nightmares, starting with a horrifying recurring one as a child and i have often wondered if subconsciously there is something inside me that actually does not want to find sleep.

So I have to tag SIX people...gustogirl, a force that brings good fortune, hankstown, the kirnan crib, hopeless romantic, time-for-a-paws and anyone else that wants to participate...

have fun and i won't feel bad if you choose not to post six facts about yourself on your blog even though it would be fun to read so if you post, leave me a comment letting me know!

i like you aunt dulie

so dave and i went with his sister, brother-in-law and their kids to dinner and to see the bee movie on saturday night. my little niece gwen is always so entertaining with the things that she says. we got out of the car and she comes running across the parking lot yelling, "aunt duuuullliiiieee" when we sat down at the pizza place she grabbed my arm and said, "i like you aunt dulie." we sat by each other in the movie too and she was holding onto my arm the whole time and leaning against me and periodically she would look up and say, "aunt dulie, you're da best" or "i like you aunt dulie" ...her mom told us later that when she says she likes someone that means she loves them. too bad we didn't know this before the outing because when dave told gwen that he loved her, she looked up at him and said, "i'm not your wife" and since i am still laughing about it four days later i thought i would share.

sweetie pie

i stayed home from work today. i have a head cold and had trouble breathing last night and woke up with a sinus headache. it was nice to be able to go back to sleep and take the day to rest. I couldn't wait for dave to get home though, i was missing him like crazy. when he walked in the door he brought home dinner from the cheesecake factory because he knew i was not feeling well. what a sweetie pie. i thoroughly enjoyed the shepherd's pie and cheesecake. thanks dave. you are the best.

Scattergories

i am stealing this idea from Kim. Thank you! This was fun to play. i am tagging everyone that reads this...answer the following questions with the letter that your first name begins with.

What is your name? Julie
4 Letter word: Jade
Vehicle: Jeep
TV Show: Jeopardy
City: Jerusalem
Boy Name: Jack
Girl Name: Jessica
Drink: Jaegermeister
Occupation: Janitor
Movie: Jurassic Park
Popular Band: Jimmy Eat World
Something you wear: Jewelry
Celebrity: Jimmy Fallon
Food: Jell-O
Something found in a bathroom: Jacuzzi Tub
Reason for being late: traffic "Jam"
Something you shout: Jerk

i miss me

warning: this is not a clever, entertaining post(haha, not that any of my posts are) this is an expression of the sadness and frustration i feel today.

a couple of weeks ago i was having a heart-to-heart with my mom and i couldn't keep it together emotionally and really fighting back tears as i was describing how much i am struggling with trying to become a mom. my mom mentioned that she missed that "julie lilt" in my voice. i know that she said that with love trying to lend support to me, but as soon as i got off the phone i started crying. i know that i don't recognize myself lately, that i often feel hollow and tired but i thought i was pretty skilled at putting on a good show...if not happy, at least calm and okay. it was hard to hear that other people can't see me right now either. i don't feel like the same girl that i once was. i don't look the same, i don't act the same. i look at pictures of a happy me and i don't even resemble that girl. i think that must be one of the greatest abilities one can have in life...the ability to move forward when your heart is broken, to keep giving when you feel you have nothing left to give, to be hopeful and optimistic when your experiences have painted life in harsh, menacing tones...this is what i strive to do, but lately i am tired. i miss me, and hard as i try i can't find myself. where did i go? i have been through tough times before and i made it out okay. how did i do it?

cutest monkey in the world

is my nephew JJ the cutest monkey in the world or what? it made my halloween to see him all dressed up. wish i could have seen all my nieces and nephews in their costumes...i can't wait to see pictures...

circus celebrity

i blogged all about how dave took me to the circus and somehow the post was deleted so i am going to write about it again. last year (2006) was the first time i had ever been to the circus. dave took me and we had so much fun. i loved the elephants the best. this year dave told me we had really good seats and that we needed to be to there early, but what he didn't tell me was that we had VIP seats and we were circus celebrities! it was so much fun. they pulled us up and we got to ride around the circus parade and wear hats and had the clowns take our picture. i will never forget it. i felt just like a kid. it was so much fun. dave claims he didn't know they were VIP seats, he just wanted me to be able to see things. last year we sat next to this little girl who would laugh and clap whenever i laughed. it seemed like she was watching me more than the circus animals. i really do love the circus. here are a few pictures:

fancy schmancy front row seats


before the show, with the nose the clown gave to me


the clown that kept trying to make me laugh


picture of one of the elephants

this is halloween

halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. tomorrow it is here and all i can think about is my appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist. i keep reminding myself that it is halloween, but this appointment holds so much more significance to me and my future than the holiday does. dave and i are going to be discussing injectables with the doctor...even though i know it shouldn't be a big deal, the thought of giving myself shots every night is kind of scary and overwhelming to me. i am baking some pumpkin bars for a work potluck tomorrow and went to the store after work and bought all the stuff to make dave beef stew for dinner tomorrow night and picked up some scary movies, but in my head all i can think about is the appointment. i am working on a list of questions to ask to make sure that we will be completely informed before proceeding on to the next level.

right now i am just trying to focus on halloween, sometimes i find the only way to deal with stress or fear is to focus on something else. i am trying to enjoy the good things about each day, but it has been pretty tricky today.

i am going to try my best to have a happy holiday, i just hope i feel better once the appointment is over.

trick or treat

every year i buy candy to give out to trick or treaters and every year no children come to my door. last year we bought so much candy and filled a glass pumpkin container and we got a total of (wait for it) one trick or treater...that's right, one. i was working the evening shift last year so of course i missed it. a few months ago rachel and i went shopping and i found the cutest halloween candy bowl and i have been looking forward to halloween so i could use it. i told dave a couple of weeks ago that i wanted to give out full size candy bars and we decided not to do it because he doesn't think we will get very many kids where we live. tonight i stopped by the store on my way home and saw that all the hershey brand candy bars were four for a dollar so i decided to bite the bullet and buy some. i only spent six dollars but i am super excited...now i am just hoping that we at least get a couple of kids at our door...last week rachel had told me that she had decided to buy full size candy bars too. i guess great minds think alike. maybe i am hoping too that if we give out really good candy that kids will remember and we will get even more trick or treaters next year...one can only hope...i know i am a giant dork, but i get really excited about holidays...too bad so many of my siblings live out of state, it would be really fun if they could bring their kids trick or treating to my house and see all of their costumes...

worth a shot

our vacuum has been broken for a while now and we have yet to go out and purchase a new one...we haven't wanted to buy a cheap one that will break again but we are not really in the position to spend much money on a vacuum as fertility treatments are pretty pricey. so while we desperately need a new vacuum and pink is my favorite color i am going to recommend you go to this site and give it a shot too. a dyson is a dyson and my sister raves about hers. so here is the site: Win a Dyson “Pink” Vaccuum in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

if the fates are listening, please let me be the winner!

murphy's law

this morning i got pulled over by a policeman for following someone too closely. this guy in front of me was creating a roadblock and he was in the passing lane. i sped up to try to get around him and when i changed lanes, i heard the sirens and saw the flashing lights. i pulled over and reached in my purse and my wallet was not there! i was so upset. i always have my wallet on me. where could it be? i found a photocopy of my license attached to my gym membership but that is all. i was on the verge of tears. i am right in the middle of a round of especially torturous fertility medication that keeps me pretty emotionally charged in any situation, let alone this one. the officer asked if i knew why he pulled me over.

i said, "why don't you go ahead and tell me."

he told me that i was following too closely and asked why i would do that. i told him that i was in the passing lane and the guy in front of me had created a roadblock so i was trying to get around him. then he asked for my license, registration and proof of insurance.

(this is where it gets good)

i said, "listen officer, you are not gonna believe this but...i always have my license with me and when i just went to get it out of my purse, i could not find it, i must have left it at home by mistake."

he said, "you know why you don't have it, don't you?"

"why?" i asked.

he said, "because you were going to be pulled over today, it's murphy's law."

well, i found that fairly amusing but i was still pretty emotional so i just nodded and said, "Of course it is, murphy is out to get me."

he said, "no big deal, it happens to everyone, it's happened to me before."

he took my information and went back to his car for twenty minutes, all the while i was just praying that he would give me a break. i thought about the increase to our insurance premiums and what a tough week i have already had, i just wasn't in the right mode to deal with this on top of everything else.

when the officer got back he said, "i am not going to give you a warning for not having your license on you, but now you know that it is against the law to drive without your license(who doesn't know that) and i am going to issue you this warning for following too closely, in the future, even when there is someone creating a roadblock, you need to allow a three-car space between your car and the car in front of you." as soon as he said this i burst into tears and thanked him and told him that i am a little emotionally unbalanced right now because of fertility meds.

He busted up laughing and said, "Clomid?" and i nodded my head as i cried and laughed.

he said, "we are in the same boat. my wife hates that stuff. do you have any kids?"

i said, "not yet, hoping to soon"

he said, "we have a son that is four years old and he is the reason i am here. don't worry, kids are worth it...and be nice to your poor husband...now traffic is starting to get bad so i want you to be careful as you ease out, i will stay here and if you have a hard time getting out i will turn on my lights and let you out."

when i told dave this story, he laughed out loud so i thought i would share it on my blog. i am hoping this is the beginning of a lucky streak for me, because if anyone needs some luck right now, it is me...

to blog or not to blog

my blog has been neglected lately. i have felt down and haven't had anything good to say. i even went as far as making it private and contemplated deleting it altogether. dave did not like being denied access to my blog(that's right, even my husband didn't have the code to get in) but i was just tired of blogworld. it is a blog eat blog world out there. i sometimes feel like the blogs are meant only for mothers to showcase their beautiful children...but also i think i take the old addage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" too much to heart, even in my writing. if i can't write something entertaining, or clever, or uplifting then i am not going to write anything at all. i find myself being critical of myself when i am writing. it is not well-written, i am not smart enough, etc. i have made a decision. i am going to use this blog as a journal for me. i am going to leave it public but let this post serve as a warning. i am now putting the proverbial caution tape around this blog. life is messy...and i want to start writing more about mine, even if it is just a little each day about my experiences, good and bad.

this week has been a real struggle for me. wednesday marked one year from the day we found out we were pregnant. so many emotions in my heart and in my head. when we miscarried it was a very dark and lonely time for us, but in many ways, it is harder now. we thought we would be able to conceive again quickly and have a healthy pregnancy and baby in our home soon. one year later, here we are with empty arms...dave and i watched little mitchell this afternoon and we enjoyed it thoroughly. then rachel, jeremy and jj came over to our house for some dinner and a movie. we didn't end up watching the movie too much because it was so entertaining to watch jj and mitchell. my heart ached when everyone left, especially the babies. i can't wait for the day when we have a baby in our home. it is hard for me to believe that it will happen, but i keep moving forward and try to keep my bucket of hope filled. i am so lucky to have such a great husband. thursday i started crying at work, i had had such a frustrating experience with my doctor's office and was just feeling defeated...luckily no one was around to see my meltdown and i was able to go to the restroom and get cleaned up. dave came over to my building for a meeting and even though we didn't get a chance to talk much, he could see i had not had a good day. when i got home from work, before i could even get out of the car, dave opened the door and walked into the garage holding pink roses for me. i really can't even express my love for him because there are no words to describe it. i am trying to give thanks for everything that i have instead of getting down or overwhelmed with the challenges that are mine. someday we will have children, but i am so glad that right now and forever, we have each other.

Blog Recipe Exchange

PUMPKIN SPICE BARS

...got this idea from Natalie over at HanksTown, i have received lots of invitations for recipe exchange clubs but never received recipes back. Natalie had the great idea to post a recipe on her blog and invite her readers to do the same thing, so if you are reading this blog, i am officially asking you to post a recipe on your blog and leave me a comment so i know where to come find it. my sister Rachel at Likeastar sent me this recipe...my husband and i loved this autumn dessert.

Pumpkin Spice Bars:

4 eggs
2 cups white sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
1 can (15 OZ) Pure PUmpkin (not pie mix)
2 cups Flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cloves
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Cream Cheese Frosting:
1 package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup butter
2 or 3 tbs milk
1 tsp vanilla
4 cups powdered sugar

1. Heat oven to 350. Spray jelly roll (10.5 inch x 15.5 inch) pan with cooking spray and flour.
2. In large bowl beat eggs, sugar, oil and pumpkin with a wire whisk until smooth. Stir in flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves. Stir in chocolate chips. Spread in pan.

3. Bake for 25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean and center springs back when touched lightly. Cool completely (about 1.5 hours).

4. In medium bowl, beat cream cheese, butter, milk and vanilla until smooth, slowly add in the powdered sugar until you reach a spreadable consistency.

I store these in the fridge until they are ready to be served. they are so yummy with a tall glass of milk! They make a ton so I usually make them when we are going to a gathering or give some away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELIOT

Eliot and Julie Ann in 1981...one of my very favorite pictures, this picture has been hanging in every dorm room, apartment, or dwelling I have lived in since I had it framed.


Eliot has always been such a great brother to me. I have so many memories I don't even know where to begin. One of my favorites is when I was trying out for a play my first year of high school and Eliot was in the audience. I was so nervous and when I was finished singing, Eliot stood up and yelled, "that's my sister" and even as i write this i am getting a little weepy. Eliot is a great gift giver. He always puts so much thought and love into the presents he gives. Three different times when i have been hospitalized, Eliot has made sure that somehow my favorite treat of the moment got to me. I love you Eliot and I am so glad you were born.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGIE!

I just wanted to send out happy birthday wishes to my beautiful sister-in-law Angie!

Here she is at my wedding holding the flower girl baskets...she spent the day before our wedding putting pictures in frames and making the seating chart. I really can't express my gratitude for your help Angie!


Here we are on my birthday in 2003, even though she was eight months pregnant she decorated the house and made me a special birthday dinner. She is always so thoughtful and kind.

happy birthday Angie! Dave and i love you and wish we could be with you to celebrate your special day.

mY wIfE iS gOoD tO mE!

Big SHOUT OUT to my lovely wife, Julie, who bought this truck for me yesterday! Had I only known giving her flowers would have garnered such a reward - I would have done it ages ago.

my husband is good to me

dave is taking such good care of me while i am convalescing. he bought me these beautiful flowers and woke me up this morning with an einsteins bagel and hot cocoa when it was time to take my meds because i have to take them with food. what a sweetheart.

Social Experiment

today dave and i went to walmart to pick up my prescriptions. as we pulled out of the parking lot, we saw a man standing on the corner. this particular corner always has a pan handler on it, it is usually someone scruffy-looking and sad who is holding a sign that has a tragedy printed on it...but not today. today the man that was standing there was a young man who was not scruffy-looking and he was smiling. the sign he was holding read, "i bet you $1.00 that you read this sign" and i just started laughing and told dave that i thought the laugh he gave me was worth a buck. I pulled a dollar out of my wallet and rolled my window down.

dave and i started talking about that man and how he didn't really look like he was hard on his luck or downtrodden at all. i mentioned how i thought it would be a really interesting social experiment to stand on a corner pan handling...just to take a week and maybe vary your appearance and the sign you held a bit each day to see how people responded or didn't respond to you. i am a people-watcher. i love to sit in the airport or the mall and just watch. i think it would be fascinating to observe people from that vantage point...

...i really was amused by his sign, it is unfortunate for him that he didn't write a sign that said, "i bet you $5.00 that you read this sign" because today i really needed that laugh.

framed magnet board

here are a couple of pictures of the magnet board i purchased at swiss days



sorry about the glare from the flash



here is a close-up picture so you can see the detail on the tile.

swiss days

yesterday dave and i went to swiss days in midway. when i was growing up we used to go to swiss days every year. i have not been in twenty years or so and dave has never been. i could not believe how it has grown. there were so many people there, it was very different from the swiss days i knew as a young child. we still had fun. i found this framed magnetic board for my kitchen that i love, and dave and i tried a "swiss" navajo taco that was delicious. i am pretty tired tonight but i will post a picture of my purchase tomorrow. i am very excited about it and very grateful to dave for coming with me and enduring the heat...fighting through thousands of people so he can look at handmade crafts is not really his dream type of day, but he was there with a smile. thanks love.

middle name meme

...just stealing this idea from a fellow blogger.

if you are reading this, please feel free to post this one on your blog

my middle name is ann

a - always trying to see things from a new perspective

n - not yet a mom

n - never gonna let the world break me

i have been neglecting my blog lately, i will try to be better about this.

trial lake

last night dave and i went camping together for the first time. it was so beautiful and so cold. we really enjoyed ourselves. we are already planning our next trip! big thanks to rachel and jeremy for lending us their camping gear!


trial lake


julie and dave


dave building our fire so we could cook dinner


trail mix that i put together...


homeade guacamole that dave made...yum!


waiting for our tinfoil dinners to be ready...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA

"they see me roll on my segway"

our trip to california was a blast! we loved spending time with eliot, angie, madison and mitchell. we did so many fun things. we went to petco park and saw the padres play, we ate lunch at mcdonald's bistro gourmet(a fancy mcdonald's that has panini sandwiches and gelato), we went to the container store, ate lunch one day at the cheesecake factory, played with the lite brite a lot, went to see wicked(loved it, already dying to see it again), rented segways(they are so fun, i want dave to buy me one now) to ride up and down the coast on pacific beach, went to a yummy brazilian steakhouse, watched both bourne movies, went to see the bourne ultimatim, put together a binder full of delicious recipes(thanks angie!), had dinner at in n' out, had dinner another night at the ward's house(yummy fajitas and taco dip, thanks again angie!), had great conversations with people we love very much, had lunch at cozymels, colored many color-wonder pictures and truly enjoyed our trip...thanks eliot, angie, madison and mitchell for being such great hosts!



i love this picture of dave holding mitchell

Eternal Sunshine

This weekend I spent some time trying to relax...trying to let go of things that have hurt me recently. I was thinking about what a difference a year makes. I feel like a completely new person than I was a year ago and I don’t know if I like this girl as much as I liked the old me. I feel like I am just a shadow of myself right now…like all the joy, humor and light that I once had has been snuffed out leaving only a colorless form. I want to believe that I won’t always feel like this. People say that through pain, disappointment and struggle there is a stretching of the soul, a kind of education that is invaluable because it causes you to grow, to develop into something you could never be without them.

What if you like who you were before?

What if you run out of energy to keep your faith strong and your hope alive? What if your life’s picture was beautiful and meaningful already and adding more “stuff” to it changes it in a way that is negative? I was thinking about this when I was decorating cookies with my little nieces a few weekends ago. I was adding dye to the frosting and mixed two colors that shouldn’t have been mixed. They made a horrible puke-colored purple and no matter what else I added I couldn’t make it look pretty again. The only thing to do was to start from scratch with a new tub of frosting. I sometimes wish I could start from scratch with my memory. In the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” they could delete painful relationships from a person’s mind so they could go through life without that pain tainting their life or their next relationship…just start over from scratch with all the optimism and happiness that one should be able to feel as they go on their journey through life...I want to be able to do that. When I am able to get pregnant again (God willing) be able to glide through the pregnancy with that innocent joy of one who has never experienced the loss of a pregnancy and the fear, anxiety and guilt that accompany such loss. When I meet people I want to be able to take them back in time to meet me, “Here I am, see this is really me. I am fun. I am happy. I am not easily offended. I do not cry at the drop of a hat. I do not fear social situations. I do not let my insecurities rule my relationships with other people. I do not think I am less capable than others. This is who I identify with. I do not relate to the girl who is standing before you now. She is a stranger to me.” Oh, how great it would be to be able to start from scratch, to be able to take out anything that has somehow distorted me into this person I don’t know. Eternal sunshine, indeed…

For Dave

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night.
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

i did not write this poem. i posted it on my blog to tell you Dave how much i love you and thank you for always being there for me in my times of sorrow and pain, not just the joyful, happy times and to let you know that i am always here for you too.

keeping up with the jones’ blog

I am new to this blogging thing. I have been blogging for about two months. I started this blog as a journal with the intention of recording my thoughts and feelings about the world and my place in it. I did this for myself. I find that writing is therapeutic and helps me to center myself when I feel off kilter. I was hesitant to share my blog because I feared I would unintentionally commercialize it and may end up feeling the need to censor it for a particular audience. I am a perfectionist, and want things to be the way I want them. I did share my blog with my family and then I have been slowly branching out as some of my friends have started blogs, or started sharing them with me. I also find interesting blogs as I wander around in blogworld. The perfectionist in me is very critical of my blog, the writing isn’t good enough, the stories aren’t that interesting, no one reads it anyway, and it needs improvement. I see blogs that are so appealing to the eye, blogs that are so witty, blogs that are done by professional writers and I feel that mine is inadequate. I need to do more, be more funny, be more smart, be more entertaining…this is how I feel in my own life, so it would only make sense that my tendency toward perfectionism would seep into my blog as well. Last week the fabulous ladies at pinks and blues awarded me with the blogger reflection award.



I was utterly amazed and close to tears when I read the paragraph they had posted about me on their blog. It is so incredible to me that people even read my blog, let alone really listen to what I have to say. There is something so validating in it. It makes me feel like what I have to say matters, i am important and the experiences in my daily life are significant. Thanks pinks and blues for making me feel like my blog is okay and that it is being read. I no longer feel the need to go out and have a bumper sticker custom-made to read: "my blog is just as good as your blog…"

wicked birthday fun

i had such a great birthday yesterday. thank you to all of my family, friends and online buddies who called me or sent me a note wishing me a good day. i really appreciate it. i had such a fun weekend of celebration. it started on friday going to lunch and "hairspray" with Rachel and then Dave took me to the pizza factory for dinner. on Saturday Dave and i had some friends over for a barbeque, we had lots of yummy food, drinks and good company. it was a great night. Dave took me to breakfast on sunday and then Rachel, Jeremy and JJ came over for some dinner and the name game. Dave spoiled me silly with presents. i don't know how i got so lucky in love...

he got me tickets to see "wicked" when we are in california next month. i have been wanting to see this play for over two years and i am so excited. i have read the book three times and i am thinking i may read it again before we go!

...and this beautiful elphaba necklace with swarovski crystals and antiqued silver

...and a casablanca poster, i have wanted this poster for a long time


and bought me the "hairspray" soundtrack from itunes. thanks babe for the best weekend ever. you always make me feel so special.