to blog or not to blog

my blog has been neglected lately. i have felt down and haven't had anything good to say. i even went as far as making it private and contemplated deleting it altogether. dave did not like being denied access to my blog(that's right, even my husband didn't have the code to get in) but i was just tired of blogworld. it is a blog eat blog world out there. i sometimes feel like the blogs are meant only for mothers to showcase their beautiful children...but also i think i take the old addage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" too much to heart, even in my writing. if i can't write something entertaining, or clever, or uplifting then i am not going to write anything at all. i find myself being critical of myself when i am writing. it is not well-written, i am not smart enough, etc. i have made a decision. i am going to use this blog as a journal for me. i am going to leave it public but let this post serve as a warning. i am now putting the proverbial caution tape around this blog. life is messy...and i want to start writing more about mine, even if it is just a little each day about my experiences, good and bad.

this week has been a real struggle for me. wednesday marked one year from the day we found out we were pregnant. so many emotions in my heart and in my head. when we miscarried it was a very dark and lonely time for us, but in many ways, it is harder now. we thought we would be able to conceive again quickly and have a healthy pregnancy and baby in our home soon. one year later, here we are with empty arms...dave and i watched little mitchell this afternoon and we enjoyed it thoroughly. then rachel, jeremy and jj came over to our house for some dinner and a movie. we didn't end up watching the movie too much because it was so entertaining to watch jj and mitchell. my heart ached when everyone left, especially the babies. i can't wait for the day when we have a baby in our home. it is hard for me to believe that it will happen, but i keep moving forward and try to keep my bucket of hope filled. i am so lucky to have such a great husband. thursday i started crying at work, i had had such a frustrating experience with my doctor's office and was just feeling defeated...luckily no one was around to see my meltdown and i was able to go to the restroom and get cleaned up. dave came over to my building for a meeting and even though we didn't get a chance to talk much, he could see i had not had a good day. when i got home from work, before i could even get out of the car, dave opened the door and walked into the garage holding pink roses for me. i really can't even express my love for him because there are no words to describe it. i am trying to give thanks for everything that i have instead of getting down or overwhelmed with the challenges that are mine. someday we will have children, but i am so glad that right now and forever, we have each other.