trial lake

last night dave and i went camping together for the first time. it was so beautiful and so cold. we really enjoyed ourselves. we are already planning our next trip! big thanks to rachel and jeremy for lending us their camping gear!


trial lake


julie and dave


dave building our fire so we could cook dinner


trail mix that i put together...


homeade guacamole that dave made...yum!


waiting for our tinfoil dinners to be ready...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA

"they see me roll on my segway"

our trip to california was a blast! we loved spending time with eliot, angie, madison and mitchell. we did so many fun things. we went to petco park and saw the padres play, we ate lunch at mcdonald's bistro gourmet(a fancy mcdonald's that has panini sandwiches and gelato), we went to the container store, ate lunch one day at the cheesecake factory, played with the lite brite a lot, went to see wicked(loved it, already dying to see it again), rented segways(they are so fun, i want dave to buy me one now) to ride up and down the coast on pacific beach, went to a yummy brazilian steakhouse, watched both bourne movies, went to see the bourne ultimatim, put together a binder full of delicious recipes(thanks angie!), had dinner at in n' out, had dinner another night at the ward's house(yummy fajitas and taco dip, thanks again angie!), had great conversations with people we love very much, had lunch at cozymels, colored many color-wonder pictures and truly enjoyed our trip...thanks eliot, angie, madison and mitchell for being such great hosts!



i love this picture of dave holding mitchell

Eternal Sunshine

This weekend I spent some time trying to relax...trying to let go of things that have hurt me recently. I was thinking about what a difference a year makes. I feel like a completely new person than I was a year ago and I don’t know if I like this girl as much as I liked the old me. I feel like I am just a shadow of myself right now…like all the joy, humor and light that I once had has been snuffed out leaving only a colorless form. I want to believe that I won’t always feel like this. People say that through pain, disappointment and struggle there is a stretching of the soul, a kind of education that is invaluable because it causes you to grow, to develop into something you could never be without them.

What if you like who you were before?

What if you run out of energy to keep your faith strong and your hope alive? What if your life’s picture was beautiful and meaningful already and adding more “stuff” to it changes it in a way that is negative? I was thinking about this when I was decorating cookies with my little nieces a few weekends ago. I was adding dye to the frosting and mixed two colors that shouldn’t have been mixed. They made a horrible puke-colored purple and no matter what else I added I couldn’t make it look pretty again. The only thing to do was to start from scratch with a new tub of frosting. I sometimes wish I could start from scratch with my memory. In the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” they could delete painful relationships from a person’s mind so they could go through life without that pain tainting their life or their next relationship…just start over from scratch with all the optimism and happiness that one should be able to feel as they go on their journey through life...I want to be able to do that. When I am able to get pregnant again (God willing) be able to glide through the pregnancy with that innocent joy of one who has never experienced the loss of a pregnancy and the fear, anxiety and guilt that accompany such loss. When I meet people I want to be able to take them back in time to meet me, “Here I am, see this is really me. I am fun. I am happy. I am not easily offended. I do not cry at the drop of a hat. I do not fear social situations. I do not let my insecurities rule my relationships with other people. I do not think I am less capable than others. This is who I identify with. I do not relate to the girl who is standing before you now. She is a stranger to me.” Oh, how great it would be to be able to start from scratch, to be able to take out anything that has somehow distorted me into this person I don’t know. Eternal sunshine, indeed…

For Dave

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night.
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

i did not write this poem. i posted it on my blog to tell you Dave how much i love you and thank you for always being there for me in my times of sorrow and pain, not just the joyful, happy times and to let you know that i am always here for you too.