what a steal!

can i tell you how much i LOVE smiths marketplace? they are a little expensive as far as their home and decor items, but their sales are AWESOME! okay, so about a year ago i broke our pizza stone(well, it was dave's and then became ours when we got married) from pampered chef. i felt so bad, but then i kind of forgot about it. well earlier this week i was browsing around in the huge clearance section at smiths marketplace and found this farberware pizza stone that was 80% off it's original price so i just had to pick it up. i am very excited about my five dollar purchase and dave picked up all the stuff for me to make him a hawaiian pizza tomorrow.

YUM!

i hear they are great for baking cookies too.

i think i love a finding a good deal more than the actual items that i buy. it is such a thrill for me, i know, i am a dork, haha...

why the earth is round - continued

so i was thinking about my most recent post a lot today. i wanted to clarify something. i felt so bad that i was complaining about challenges i was having in my pregnancy. I only wanted to express the feelings in my heart that were sparked by this quote

"...the earth was made round so we would not see too far down the road."

when i read this quote, i was deeply impressed with what it should mean to me in my life. after suffering a miscarriage you are so overwhelmed with that pain and loss(or at least i was) that you just look to the future and the happiness that it will bring instead of living in the moment. the fear of not being able to ever have children and the toll it took on my heart and my health is truly incredible...i look back and appreciate the extra time i had with my husband to enjoy each other and i think about all i learned about myself and i am sure i will look back on this time and appreciate the ability to go to dinner or movies as i please and sleep away the weekends when i need it or go to bed right when i get home from work. in each stage of life there are specific struggles but also great opportunities to experience joy.

i do not know how many people read this blog. i remember thinking after we experienced a loss how infuriating and insensitive it was when people would complain about their kids or about their pregnancy...all i knew was my own experience, and the pain i felt not having the blessing of children in my life. i feel like i am constantly learning and growing and sometimes i feel like i learn the same lesson over and over again. one of the things i have been on a journey to learn my whole life is the lesson of taking the good with the bad and choosing to focus on the good. choosing happiness even when pain is present...i am so grateful to be pregnant. i hope with all my heart that i did not offend anyone struggling with infertility. i still carry that pain with me and it makes me paranoid and even that much more emotional through this pregnancy. i am always praying that every couple that wants a baby is blessed with one because that is a pain that i am familiar with and it is such a heavy burden on one's heart. i try to honestly document my feelings in my blog as it is the closest thing to a journal that i have. i love my baby girl in my tummy so much. tears are streaming down my face because i am so overwhelmed by the love i already have for her and i would be pregnant for years and years if that is what was needed to bring her here.

why the earth is round

tonight i was reading some memories of my father that my brother eliot compiled for each of my siblings for christmas. i came across a quote that my mom had quoted from the movie "out of africa" that read:

"...the earth was made round so we would not see too far down the road."

this really hit me tonight. i have been having an extremely difficult time lately as i have been highly, even irrationally emotional, although i'm told it comes with the territory. i told my husband(okay, let's be honest, i sobbed to my husband) that i did not think i was very good at being pregnant. he kind of chuckled and told me that he didn't really think anyone was good at it. i am sure he was trying to calm me down and i really appreciate it...but i have seen them, so have you...those beautiful, glowing, not a pound heavier, just the cute "basketball under the shirt baby bump" pregnant women that make it look so easy. there is one at my office. every time i see her she is smiling and glowing and talking about how great she feels, and wearing four inch heels. then there is me, i look like the living dead. i go ballistic if the waitress in the restaurant does not refill my drink quick enough or forgets my straw. this is me pregnant, definitely not a barrel of monkeys.

i was telling a friend of mine yesterday how it has been so long since i have felt like me...really since before my first miscarriage. she has also lost a baby, and been through several fertility treatments and i knew she would understand how i was feeling. she assured me that when you finally have your baby, things start getting better. her son is fourteen months and she said she is finally starting to feel like herself again. that gave me hope. sometimes i miss me. i can often recognize how irrational or emotional i am being, but it is not as easy to control it. i am thankful for a patient husband who is gentle and kind and happy to get me ice cream or something salty if that is what i "need"...often when i am at my wit's end at work because i am so tired and close to tears, i look at the ultrasound picture hanging up at my desk and i feel better or i put the dvd of our baby girl in my dvd player in my desk computer(i keep it in my purse at all times because it helps me just to know i have it) when things are particularly tough because it always makes me smile. when i watch this video i am overwhelmed, usually to the point of tears at my love for this little girl who i have yet to meet.

i didn't know how hard it is to be pregnant. i want to give all my family, friends, even strangers who have had babies and especially my mom a big hug because i didn't know during their pregnancies what they were going through. my mom always used to say, "mortality isn't for sissies" i think that "pregnancy isn't for sissies" is a better quote for me. people tell me that pregnancy is just a boot camp for motherhood and if i think this is hard, just wait until i have a newborn. i think it is a good thing that we can't see too far down the road because just think of all we could miss if we knew beforehand what life held for us. would we try to avoid physical and emotional pain and miss out on some of life's greatest treasures?

mini bird's nests

my friend natalie made the cutest little easter treats and posted them on her blog. they were no bake cookies with cadbury mini eggs on top and they look like mini bird's nests...i saw them last night and i fell in love with them. i even had a dream about them last night, haha...so i shamelessly copied her for our easter dinner tomorrow.

here is the picture of the mini bird's nests she made



okay, is this the cutest thing you have ever seen in your life?? here is the tray i made tonight, and i can't wait for them to dry as i think they look more like a "nest" when they are dry, plus you don't eat them until they set anyway.

21 weeks and counting...

so the fabulous ladies at pinks and blues are at it again! they are hosting a blogger baby bump watch contest to win a cute pink diaper bag from skip hop...so i thought i would be brave and post my first belly picture. i promise my mirror does not look that dirty in real life...

the $500.00 onesie and other online purchases...

that's right, you read correctly...$500.00 for this "nightmare before christmas" onesie that has a little skirt attached. this is not what i paid, but it is what i bid. it was an accident. i meant to put in five dollars as a maximum bid but i was typing too fast and must have missed the decimal point. dave could not stop laughing at me...luckily the online auction was just about over, but we still ended up paying over $20.00 for a onesie. oh well, at least she will have a cute little outfit to wear on halloween...



we purchased our crib today! i am so excited! we picked out a different crib in the same color a couple of months ago but it has never been in stock...anywhere. we went to so many stores yesterday and then came home and looked at so many websites. they all said the same thing...no info on when or if they would get the crib in stock again so we picked another one and i love it. i think i prefer it to our original choice...i guess it is a good thing that things don't always turn out as you plan.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

happy birthday to my dear husband david. i love you more than i could ever express. i know this note is not as lengthy or eloquent as what you wrote to me but i did want to tell you that even as i write this and think about who you are and what you mean to me, tears stream down my face because i love you so much. I am so blessed to be your wife. i feel like the luckiest girl alive to have you as my husband. i know that, because you don't like to have attention drawn to you, you sometimes get embarassed by the things i write about you on this blog...but this is my outlet for my feelings and experiences and the closest thing that i have to a journal and i want to remember all these wonderful moments that we share and record my feelings.

i am so excited to share this next year of your life with you. i love you!

to my amazing wife...

You mean the world to me. There are so many things I truly admire about you as a person, as my best friend and as my wife and partner. Even though you go through frustrating days and sleepless nights, you don't give up. You are a fighter. You may get down but you are never out. I love that about you.

Your smile makes my dark days brighter and when I see it, it makes me melt inside. I love that about you.

You are the most thoughtful and caring person I've ever met. You truly care about others and are always mindful of the feelings of those around you. Always willing to help others - no questions asked. You are my role model. I love that about you.

I enjoy the journey of discovering all there is that comprises you. You are beautiful in all the moments you aren't trying to be. Every no make-up sweatpants no shower morning hair moment is a treasure - and you never know it. I love that about you.

You are sometimes picky about the smallest things. While I don't always understand it, I wouldn't change it for the world. Changing that would be changing you - and I'd like to keep you just the way you are because...I love that about you.

You help me grow as a person. You haven't let me stagnate in this relationship. I relax into things very easily and become complacent. You have kept me on the ball and expanding as a person. I love that about you.

You ask me why or what I love about you and the list could go on forever. I especially love and appreciate that you are carrying our precious little angel and truly wish everyday that there were something I could do to alleviate your pain.

All in all, I love spending every moment of everyday with you.

baby girl bedding

the bedding we ordered online finally came today. isn't it cute? it makes me so excited to work some more on the nursery...



i also got my easter swap today so it was a really fun mail day!




thanks sara!

are you kidding me??

yesterday i went to go pay a traffic violation. i had had a fairly emotional morning and i was sitting at my desk at work when i thought i should pay my speeding ticket(i wasn't speeding, and the moto-cop already had his blinker on to turn out when i passed him, but that is another story for another time) so i pulled it out of my purse and realized i only had 14 days to pay. i haven't received a ticket(excluding parking tickets, oh my fidelity investment days...) in almost four years and i thought that i had 30 days to pay it so i rushed down to the police department building because i realized it had been 17 days.

so i arrived and parked my car and headed inside. i had already cried once already that day(i'm pregnant and i told you, i had an emotional day) and i get there determined to be pleasant and get this taken care of as fast as possible so i could get back to the office. my boss was out for the day and i was fielding all of her calls and emails. I went through the security gate and the machine started beeping. i had no idea what was setting it off. the only thing i had in my pockets was seven dollars and three bobby pins, they told me that the bobby pins would not set it off so i was thinking great, and i asked if a safety pin could make it go off(a safety pin was keeping my jeans zipped up as i prefer to use my bella band and regular jeans than try to find maternity jeans that are long enough, and i was thinking how fun it was going to be to even get to the safety pin in public) and i was told that a safety pin won't set it off either...but the machine keeps beeping at me so finally i took out the bobby pins, set them in a tray and walked through...and guess what? no beeping. i was pretty frustrated.

...so then the rent-a-cop started going through my purse and i was still pleasant and smiling, but he was scowling and looking down at his finger. i looked down and he was holding a cubicle clip(i order the supplies for my office and have about a million of these little suckers in my desk, but i had no idea that i had one in my purse) so the cop starts freaking out and asks me if I have any other “weapons” in my purse because he was really going to get mad if he was “stabbed” with anything else. are you freaking kidding me?? so i get in there to start rummaging through it and he barks, "get back" ...um, you just asked me if i have anything else that is going to upset you in my purse, i am just checking to make sure...what i wanted to say is, i'm sorry officer freaking friendly, i didn't know that the big, bad cubicle clip was even in there, let alone going to put you in mortal danger...geez, what a jerk!

i finally get through security and i grabbed a number. There were fifteen people ahead of me and the number didn’t change once the whole time I was there so I just got in line to see the cashier instead just to pay the darn thing and get back to work even though i didn't think i deserved it because i follow the laws of the land and take great care to drive safely and the clerk charged me fifty dollars for being three days late even though I explained that I never get tickets and i thought i had thirty days, as soon as i saw it was fourteen days i came right in. she said i could take it up with the hearing officer if i wanted to. are you kidding me?? what if i don't have two hours to spend in this building because their only open when i am supposed to be at work? i just paid and told her to have a good day. It was $132.00 for a plea in abeyance charge and fifty more for the late fee and it will be another fifty when I go to traffic school(because you bet your sweet bippy that i am not going to let this ordeal affect my insurance rate) good thing that costs more than the crib we have picked out. i got back in my car and cried all the way to work. it was NOT a good day.

twenty years

my dad died twenty years ago today. i have been a little down today. i went to work late because i was not feeling well so i decided i would drop by and visit my dad's grave. when i got home from work dave met me at the door and told me he was taking me out to dinner because this was an important day and we needed to celebrate my dad's life. dave is so thoughtful and aware of me. i cannot express my love and gratitude for him. i have tried to think about who i am today and who my dad is to me. i have also been filled with love for my siblings. on my dad's headstone it says, "we will live and love better because you were here" and every time i read that i get emotional because of my dad's influence in my life. i got emotional today because i was thinking about our little baby girl that is coming soon and how she will never know my dad in this life. i like to think he is holding her now though, telling her the stories that he once told me and showering her with love.

sorry the picture is blurry, it was taken with my camera phone and we didn't have any sunlight, we were in the shade of the trees.


here is a picture of the flowers i brought from all his kids, i picked these flowers because they seemed so bright and happy.


dad holding my baby brother thomas

my weekend

spent time playing in the park with rachel and jj


goodbye red wall, dave and i worked on putting up the primer in the nursery(dave did most of it) so that we can paint in pink...

in-n-out

i want in-n-out so bad right now that i can't breathe...okay, not really THAT bad, but i REALLY want some. i told dave i want to drive to vegas to go get some. he said we can if i really want to(i think he doesn't want to tell his pregnant wife no) but lovingly reminded me that i would be pretty tired and that would be a pretty expensive meal...i guess we won't go but nothing else even sounds edible because i want it so bad...