when life seems dark and cold...

my friends and family know this already, but i have had a rough time lately. last year was a really hard one. dave and i had many challenges to overcome. dave's father passed away unexpectedly ten days before our wedding, a month later i lost my grandpa ward, and it seemed like i lost my dad all over again. things were kind of tough for us and then in October we learned we were pregnant. oh, the joy we felt. i don't think i have ever seen dave more excited about anything. then two weeks before christmas we lost our baby. i remember talking with dave about what a tough year it had been for us. i also remember thinking that the coming year would be better. it felt like we had been through so much. here we are a year later, and i am still struggling...my health has really deteriorated. i am not responding well to the fertility medication that i am on and the past couple of weeks i have felt so depressed. it has been a long time since i have been so discouraged. i feel worse lately than i felt right after we lost the baby. it seems like i am past the point of growing and learning and using this situation to help me become more compassionate and loving...now i just feel jaded, angry and despondent. at least that is how i have felt the last few weeks. today was a really hard day for me. a woman i work with walked past my desk today and said in passing, "you sure don't look like that(referring to a picture i have on my desk of dave and i at our wedding) anymore" and then she just laughed like she was the funniest person alive. this is a woman who is so unhappy with work, a woman that i had hugged in the elevator less than a week ago because she was in tears...this was the last straw. i just needed to get out and take a break. i asked my co-worker if it was cold outside because she had walked down the street to get a drink from the grocery store and she said that she was very chilly even while wearing her coat...i decided i would brave the dark and cold weather anyway. i left for my lunch break and drove up to my dad's grave. they have put my grandpa ward's headstone up finally, it looks really good. as soon as i got out of my car i broke down in tears. as soon as i sat down, the clouds broke and out came the sun. it felt like it was shining only on me. it was such an incredible experience for me. i sat and talked to my dad for the better part of an hour and i was warm and comfortable because the whole time the sun was shining directly on me. i really felt my dad with me. i think that is why i stayed there so long...i felt so much peace, peace i haven't felt even though i have really strived and yearned for it...even though my dad is no longer living, i could feel his love and it was just what i needed. it made me feel like even when things seem dark and cold, you never know when the sun will suddenly be shining on you. i know that is a pretty simple metaphor, but it was such a sweet experience for me and i will always remember and cherish it.

**the picture above was not taken by me today, but that is really what it felt like**