warning: this is not a clever, entertaining post(haha, not that any of my posts are) this is an expression of the sadness and frustration i feel today.
a couple of weeks ago i was having a heart-to-heart with my mom and i couldn't keep it together emotionally and really fighting back tears as i was describing how much i am struggling with trying to become a mom. my mom mentioned that she missed that "julie lilt" in my voice. i know that she said that with love trying to lend support to me, but as soon as i got off the phone i started crying. i know that i don't recognize myself lately, that i often feel hollow and tired but i thought i was pretty skilled at putting on a good show...if not happy, at least calm and okay. it was hard to hear that other people can't see me right now either. i don't feel like the same girl that i once was. i don't look the same, i don't act the same. i look at pictures of a happy me and i don't even resemble that girl. i think that must be one of the greatest abilities one can have in life...the ability to move forward when your heart is broken, to keep giving when you feel you have nothing left to give, to be hopeful and optimistic when your experiences have painted life in harsh, menacing tones...this is what i strive to do, but lately i am tired. i miss me, and hard as i try i can't find myself. where did i go? i have been through tough times before and i made it out okay. how did i do it?
Sunday, November 4, 2007
i miss me
Posted by pinkmorning at 2:53 PM
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7 comments:
Sweet Julie. You are there. I think of Christ's apostles in the tempest driven sea, shivering and frightened and finally coming to him and saying, "Carest thou not that we perish?" Sometimes we ask the same question as life delivers its blows, but what I am absolutely certain of because I have experienced it so many times when I feel stormswept, that the Lord's voice says, "Peace. Be still."
Thanj you for sharing your heart. It is a scary day when we realize we don't know who we are or where we have been. I am truly thankful God knows and is so close by. I pray there will be peace and still ness like prayed above to hear God remind you just who you are and that there is tomorrow, you don't have to worry, HE is in control. Blessings.
your words are beautiful despite your sadness. ((hug))
hang in there! it'll be an amazing experience for you--when you can look back and see how much you've grown, how much you've learned about yourself, and how much you've learned about Heavenly Father. i know it's hard to be in "the moment" and see (or not see) the light at the light of the tunnel, but the light will come and you will be so grateful for it!
You did it just like you'll do it again, and are doing it now....despite the saddness it comes with, you will recognize and appreciate the happy times when they come even more, and THEY WILL COME......it's been too long, we need a "real" chat. XOXOXOXOX Nat
Julie, no matter what you are a beautiful person. You care so much about everyone and everything around you. From the first day I met you, I have always felt a warm feeling from you and your personality.
I don't have any advice to offer, I wish I did. All I can say is, I have experienced the same feelings you are having. Like I couldn't find myself and everyone around me could see through my forced "happiness".
It is so great that you can talk about your feelings on your blog. I usually hold in my thoughts and feelings during times of unhappiness or depression only to find it makes the situation worse.
Cheer up! You are in my prayers!
Daily Knack is my most very favorite sis-in-law in the whole world. I constantly read her blog links and read yours. I miss me too - let's go get some chocolate! After being married almost 15 years, these times come and go. Sometimes it's just holding on tight until the storm passes. It will pass. And you'll find not only you again, but your laugh, your smile, and a heart that has been healed.
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