tonight i was reading some memories of my father that my brother eliot compiled for each of my siblings for christmas. i came across a quote that my mom had quoted from the movie "out of africa" that read:
"...the earth was made round so we would not see too far down the road."
this really hit me tonight. i have been having an extremely difficult time lately as i have been highly, even irrationally emotional, although i'm told it comes with the territory. i told my husband(okay, let's be honest, i sobbed to my husband) that i did not think i was very good at being pregnant. he kind of chuckled and told me that he didn't really think anyone was good at it. i am sure he was trying to calm me down and i really appreciate it...but i have seen them, so have you...those beautiful, glowing, not a pound heavier, just the cute "basketball under the shirt baby bump" pregnant women that make it look so easy. there is one at my office. every time i see her she is smiling and glowing and talking about how great she feels, and wearing four inch heels. then there is me, i look like the living dead. i go ballistic if the waitress in the restaurant does not refill my drink quick enough or forgets my straw. this is me pregnant, definitely not a barrel of monkeys.
i was telling a friend of mine yesterday how it has been so long since i have felt like me...really since before my first miscarriage. she has also lost a baby, and been through several fertility treatments and i knew she would understand how i was feeling. she assured me that when you finally have your baby, things start getting better. her son is fourteen months and she said she is finally starting to feel like herself again. that gave me hope. sometimes i miss me. i can often recognize how irrational or emotional i am being, but it is not as easy to control it. i am thankful for a patient husband who is gentle and kind and happy to get me ice cream or something salty if that is what i "need"...often when i am at my wit's end at work because i am so tired and close to tears, i look at the ultrasound picture hanging up at my desk and i feel better or i put the dvd of our baby girl in my dvd player in my desk computer(i keep it in my purse at all times because it helps me just to know i have it) when things are particularly tough because it always makes me smile. when i watch this video i am overwhelmed, usually to the point of tears at my love for this little girl who i have yet to meet.
i didn't know how hard it is to be pregnant. i want to give all my family, friends, even strangers who have had babies and especially my mom a big hug because i didn't know during their pregnancies what they were going through. my mom always used to say, "mortality isn't for sissies" i think that "pregnancy isn't for sissies" is a better quote for me. people tell me that pregnancy is just a boot camp for motherhood and if i think this is hard, just wait until i have a newborn. i think it is a good thing that we can't see too far down the road because just think of all we could miss if we knew beforehand what life held for us. would we try to avoid physical and emotional pain and miss out on some of life's greatest treasures?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
why the earth is round
Posted by pinkmorning at 8:33 PM
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8 comments:
Things will change after your baby is born, that is for sure.
The newborn days are tough but you can and will get through them! Just be sure to sleep whenever you can. Someone told me, "If you are standing and could be sitting, sit. If you are sitting and could be laying down, lay down. If you are laying down and could be sleeping, sleep." Best advice I ever got!
I think I am still trying to reconnect with the person I was before having kids. I miss her in a way but I would not go back. I have learned so much from becoming a mother, having a miscarriage, and becoming a mother two more times. Some of it has been sad, but the joy outweighs the sadness.
Children are a blessing! They change your life, they complicate your life, and they make your life so full you will not be able to remember life before they came to you!
I totally agree with the advice above. Children are a blessing, all the pain and emotional breakdowns are worth it and you truley don't know the joy in life until your baby looks at you with all the love in their little world. With this being said. Pregnancy is hard. I think your pregnancy has been harder than the normal one as well, with constant sickness, major fatigue and the stress of worry and having to get up and go to work. So.. I think that being a mom will probably be easier for you. Besides you will have an amazing husband to help you with your newborn. You are both going to be marvelous parents!
I do think that having a newborn is hard, but the great thing about it (as I said earlier) is that you ahve help in the duty (family, husband, etc) and your sweet little baby is right there and tangible. Takes so much edge off!! At least it did for me.
I feel for you as I do every pregnatn woman. I remember thinking the same thing when I was preg... Did EVERYONE go through this? I can't believe people survived?? Hang in there.. jsut a few more short months to come!
julie- i am going thru the same thing you are going thru, it's so nice to see someone put it into words and relate. i haven't felt like myself since before the m/c and now i feel like a crazy, moody hormonal B!tch. i'm learning it must be part of the territory. i really thought before i was pg that every pg woman should be so thankful she is pg. now i realize i spend more time worrying about someone cutting me off on the road, etc than reminding myself i'm pg. it's definitely been a whole body and mind experience and i can't imagine how nuts this last month will make me. i understand how you are feeling if you want to talk! i'm trying to stay focused on the "end prize" and enjoy every second before my life is changed forever. so focus on that sweet girl when you think you've had enough. this is time we can never get back. enjoy every moment!
your honesty is so admirable.
oh Julie,
Know that there are very few women on this earth that feel better during pregnancy. Aden is now 3 months and im still trying to process who I am because i still have yet to feel like myself. The greatest thing I learned with pregnancy is that our greatest trials become our most treasured blessings. You will continue to have struggles everyday with your children but you will see that those struggles as hard as they are and as much as they suck, you wouldn't trade them in for anything. I had the worse pregnancy with Eli but ill tell you that i would do it a million times over again and again if she was the same outcome every time! It sucks Julie sometimes but trust me it is so worth it. a couple months down the road you'll forget about it and want to do it all over again and then you'll be like what the hell was i thinking and the cycle will just continue until your family is complete!
i'll pass the tissue......seriously though, i was NOT one of the glowing pregnanat girls either, while i'm grateful i can be pregnant, i don't actually love it, truth be told. ;) it may just be that you are staring a "new normal" and that's okay too!!! you just smile and fake it to make it, eh???
Hi dear Julie,
Pregnancy is harder for some than you supposed, and as much as you will adore your new baby, she will also come with intense challenges--sleepless nights, occasional sickness, never-ending needs and demands. And sometimes you do think that in all this sacrifice the care-free girl you once were has disappeared. Still, I've learned a couple of things over this process. First, the care-free girl I once was was replaced with someone better. A new, more generous, more self-sacrificing, more patient person is carved out in all this process. I wouldn't go back to that earlier me for anything. Second, optimism is moral courage. I have learned over time to be happy even when things are hard, to have a hopeful outlook no matter what is contending to drag me down. I have worked at traveling with gratitude and I've found that in that is real power.
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