empty arms...

I am once again awake when it seems the rest of the world is sleeping. it is quiet, and this is the time i reflect on things...i hear the crickets outside my window. i read yesterday that crickets are a good omen...i hope so. today was a hard day for me. time was dragging on at work and i started to have some pain in my abdomen...while this is common for me, today it was a little more intense and i breathed slowly and prayed that time would speed up so i could go home and rest. dave and i had planned to go to the gym again after work, even brought our gym clothes with us so we wouldn't have to go home first, but by the time five o'clock mosied up to us, i was doubled over in pain. dave did not think working out was a good idea, so we stopped to pick up some dinner and headed home. i have taken percocet and tylenol pm and they have not helped to ease the pain or induce sleep. when i am in physical pain it is much harder to deal with sadness, add exhaustion to that and you have a recipe for the mean reds(breakfast at tiffany's is one of my all-time favorite movies)and in addition, tomorrow is the day our baby that we lost in december was due. i think emotionally i have been feeling better each day, but i am still struggling with my health and it doesn't seem to have improved much at all. I go in to take some blood tests on tuesday and i am just praying that everything will be okay and we can get some information on what is happening...i love babies, i always have. i have loved babies since i was a baby. here are a couple of my favorite babies(even though they are not babies anymore):

summer of 1982 holding baby rachel, i'm almost three and now i am a big sister
- quite certain she is the first baby i ever held



thomas is born. i distinctly remember that rocking chair and how each child in our family took their turn sitting in it to hold my baby brother...and i remember the moment he was placed in my arms for the first time. i remember thinking how special that moment was and that i had to be very careful because he was a new baby...


today my arms are empty. it is hard to think about what might have been...it feels as though i am constantly being subjected to tests of my strength and courage. i look forward to the day when i will be holding my own baby, but for now i enjoy the memories of babies i have loved and taken care of and the wonder and joy of seeing who they have become. oh the possibilities that life holds for each one of us...