christmas ham soda, anyone?

so the folks over at jones soda have offered special holiday flavored soda for years, but this year they have switched it up a bit...in previous years they have offered turkey and gravy soda, this year the christmas pack consists of four holiday flavors:

christmas ham soda
egg nog soda
christmas tree soda
sugar plum soda

while the thought of ham-flavored soda doesn't sound that appealing, i am intrigued. has anyone out there tried any of these novelty sodas before? i may just have to pick up a pack, just to try it...

when life seems dark and cold...

my friends and family know this already, but i have had a rough time lately. last year was a really hard one. dave and i had many challenges to overcome. dave's father passed away unexpectedly ten days before our wedding, a month later i lost my grandpa ward, and it seemed like i lost my dad all over again. things were kind of tough for us and then in October we learned we were pregnant. oh, the joy we felt. i don't think i have ever seen dave more excited about anything. then two weeks before christmas we lost our baby. i remember talking with dave about what a tough year it had been for us. i also remember thinking that the coming year would be better. it felt like we had been through so much. here we are a year later, and i am still struggling...my health has really deteriorated. i am not responding well to the fertility medication that i am on and the past couple of weeks i have felt so depressed. it has been a long time since i have been so discouraged. i feel worse lately than i felt right after we lost the baby. it seems like i am past the point of growing and learning and using this situation to help me become more compassionate and loving...now i just feel jaded, angry and despondent. at least that is how i have felt the last few weeks. today was a really hard day for me. a woman i work with walked past my desk today and said in passing, "you sure don't look like that(referring to a picture i have on my desk of dave and i at our wedding) anymore" and then she just laughed like she was the funniest person alive. this is a woman who is so unhappy with work, a woman that i had hugged in the elevator less than a week ago because she was in tears...this was the last straw. i just needed to get out and take a break. i asked my co-worker if it was cold outside because she had walked down the street to get a drink from the grocery store and she said that she was very chilly even while wearing her coat...i decided i would brave the dark and cold weather anyway. i left for my lunch break and drove up to my dad's grave. they have put my grandpa ward's headstone up finally, it looks really good. as soon as i got out of my car i broke down in tears. as soon as i sat down, the clouds broke and out came the sun. it felt like it was shining only on me. it was such an incredible experience for me. i sat and talked to my dad for the better part of an hour and i was warm and comfortable because the whole time the sun was shining directly on me. i really felt my dad with me. i think that is why i stayed there so long...i felt so much peace, peace i haven't felt even though i have really strived and yearned for it...even though my dad is no longer living, i could feel his love and it was just what i needed. it made me feel like even when things seem dark and cold, you never know when the sun will suddenly be shining on you. i know that is a pretty simple metaphor, but it was such a sweet experience for me and i will always remember and cherish it.

**the picture above was not taken by me today, but that is really what it felt like**

six facts about me

I've been tagged... by Kim
Here are the rules:
A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player lists 6 facts/habits about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. i do not have a sense of smell.

2. i had a head injury in the year 2000 where i had over 20 brain contusions and the midline of my brain shifted three degrees, and miraculously healed...the only lasting effect of this injury was the loss of my sense of smell.

3. my hair was always stick-straight until after my head injury and now it is very curly naturally, but i still blow dry and straighten it almost every day(even though dave likes it better curly) i have heard that it may have been the trauma, that my skull became thicker, that people with curly hair have thicker skulls and the hair follicles have to work harder to grow out. i don't know if this is true or not, but isn't it a fascinating explanation?

4. i have a birthmark on my left eyelid. it has lightened up dramatically over the years, it used to be so dark. when i left the state to go to college, one of my best friends told me that one of the things she missed most about me was the birthmark on my eyelid...

5. i love to read. it is one of my life-long dreams to write a book. i am currently reading "the virgin suicides" and it is a very interesting read.

6. i have chronic insomnia. i have for as long as i can remember, even as a young child. it has definitely gotten worse over the years(i never can sleep unless i have taken some kind of sleep aid, but the prescription sleeping pills like ambien don't work for me) i have always had vivid nightmares, starting with a horrifying recurring one as a child and i have often wondered if subconsciously there is something inside me that actually does not want to find sleep.

So I have to tag SIX people...gustogirl, a force that brings good fortune, hankstown, the kirnan crib, hopeless romantic, time-for-a-paws and anyone else that wants to participate...

have fun and i won't feel bad if you choose not to post six facts about yourself on your blog even though it would be fun to read so if you post, leave me a comment letting me know!

i like you aunt dulie

so dave and i went with his sister, brother-in-law and their kids to dinner and to see the bee movie on saturday night. my little niece gwen is always so entertaining with the things that she says. we got out of the car and she comes running across the parking lot yelling, "aunt duuuullliiiieee" when we sat down at the pizza place she grabbed my arm and said, "i like you aunt dulie." we sat by each other in the movie too and she was holding onto my arm the whole time and leaning against me and periodically she would look up and say, "aunt dulie, you're da best" or "i like you aunt dulie" ...her mom told us later that when she says she likes someone that means she loves them. too bad we didn't know this before the outing because when dave told gwen that he loved her, she looked up at him and said, "i'm not your wife" and since i am still laughing about it four days later i thought i would share.

sweetie pie

i stayed home from work today. i have a head cold and had trouble breathing last night and woke up with a sinus headache. it was nice to be able to go back to sleep and take the day to rest. I couldn't wait for dave to get home though, i was missing him like crazy. when he walked in the door he brought home dinner from the cheesecake factory because he knew i was not feeling well. what a sweetie pie. i thoroughly enjoyed the shepherd's pie and cheesecake. thanks dave. you are the best.

Scattergories

i am stealing this idea from Kim. Thank you! This was fun to play. i am tagging everyone that reads this...answer the following questions with the letter that your first name begins with.

What is your name? Julie
4 Letter word: Jade
Vehicle: Jeep
TV Show: Jeopardy
City: Jerusalem
Boy Name: Jack
Girl Name: Jessica
Drink: Jaegermeister
Occupation: Janitor
Movie: Jurassic Park
Popular Band: Jimmy Eat World
Something you wear: Jewelry
Celebrity: Jimmy Fallon
Food: Jell-O
Something found in a bathroom: Jacuzzi Tub
Reason for being late: traffic "Jam"
Something you shout: Jerk

i miss me

warning: this is not a clever, entertaining post(haha, not that any of my posts are) this is an expression of the sadness and frustration i feel today.

a couple of weeks ago i was having a heart-to-heart with my mom and i couldn't keep it together emotionally and really fighting back tears as i was describing how much i am struggling with trying to become a mom. my mom mentioned that she missed that "julie lilt" in my voice. i know that she said that with love trying to lend support to me, but as soon as i got off the phone i started crying. i know that i don't recognize myself lately, that i often feel hollow and tired but i thought i was pretty skilled at putting on a good show...if not happy, at least calm and okay. it was hard to hear that other people can't see me right now either. i don't feel like the same girl that i once was. i don't look the same, i don't act the same. i look at pictures of a happy me and i don't even resemble that girl. i think that must be one of the greatest abilities one can have in life...the ability to move forward when your heart is broken, to keep giving when you feel you have nothing left to give, to be hopeful and optimistic when your experiences have painted life in harsh, menacing tones...this is what i strive to do, but lately i am tired. i miss me, and hard as i try i can't find myself. where did i go? i have been through tough times before and i made it out okay. how did i do it?