"yeah, you'll be happy. you just won't know it, that's all."

today marks five months since i had my ultrasound and Dave and i found out that our baby had died in utero. as i type this, tears fill my eyes and my vision becomes blurred. i have felt so many different emotions from this loss...sorrow, anger, betrayal, frustration, abandonment, loneliness, envy, fear, and many more...each of these feelings are such painful ones, and it has been hard for me to find happiness. a friend sent me an email last week and mentioned how, sometimes she missed her life, and went on to express her feelings of being happy at one time, but not knowing it. i immediately thought of a quote from the movie "she's having a baby" kevin bacon is about to get married and he has cold feet. he asks alec baldwin(his best man) if he will be happy with his wife and the life he is about to start with her and alec's reply is, "yeah, you'll be happy. you just won't know it, that's all"

i think back to when Dave and i were engaged and both of us were working 50+ hours a week, we worked hard and we played hard and everything seems so rose colored to me. it seems like i was successful, thin, full of anticipation of this adventure of marriage to such a wonderful man that i was about to embark on and it does seem like a dream to me, very surreal when i think about it now, facing the complex emotions that i feel when dealing with this enormous loss. As i reflect on that time, i wonder...if someone had asked me how i was last year at this time, what would my answer be? maybe i would say i was stressed, worried about how i was going to get everything done for the wedding with my hectic work schedule, or maybe i would say tired, that i never really got the sleep i needed to feel rested each day, or maybe i would say frustrated, because i'd fallen short of some impossible expectation that i had created for myself...would i have answered that i was happy? when people now ask me how i am, there are many different ways to answer(see above to the list of my recent emotions) but there are so many reasons for me to answer in a positive way. i am happy that i have such a great husband, who would forego his lunch breaks for the rest of the week so he could come home early to be with me because i had a hard day....i am happy to have such a beautiful, comfortable home to live in that provides us refuge from the storms of life...i am happy to have this time with Dave that we can pick up and leave for the weekend at a moment's notice for a weekend getaway when we want some time alone together... i am happy that i have the time to take long baths and reflective walks on the trail by our house when i need some time to myself.

i look ahead to the future and i can hear the little pitter patter of tiny feet in our home. i know we will have children someday. i can only imagine looking back on this time and i wonder how i will describe it in retrospect. i am trying to realize the happiness in each moment because, at the very least, it will put the pain in perspective. our lives are like a novel and we are the authors. we can be the hero or the victim. we are the ones who tell the story to ourselves, and i want mine to be a good one, the kind you can't put down...you know, a real page-turner...