cutest monkey in the world

is my nephew JJ the cutest monkey in the world or what? it made my halloween to see him all dressed up. wish i could have seen all my nieces and nephews in their costumes...i can't wait to see pictures...

circus celebrity

i blogged all about how dave took me to the circus and somehow the post was deleted so i am going to write about it again. last year (2006) was the first time i had ever been to the circus. dave took me and we had so much fun. i loved the elephants the best. this year dave told me we had really good seats and that we needed to be to there early, but what he didn't tell me was that we had VIP seats and we were circus celebrities! it was so much fun. they pulled us up and we got to ride around the circus parade and wear hats and had the clowns take our picture. i will never forget it. i felt just like a kid. it was so much fun. dave claims he didn't know they were VIP seats, he just wanted me to be able to see things. last year we sat next to this little girl who would laugh and clap whenever i laughed. it seemed like she was watching me more than the circus animals. i really do love the circus. here are a few pictures:

fancy schmancy front row seats


before the show, with the nose the clown gave to me


the clown that kept trying to make me laugh


picture of one of the elephants

this is halloween

halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. tomorrow it is here and all i can think about is my appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist. i keep reminding myself that it is halloween, but this appointment holds so much more significance to me and my future than the holiday does. dave and i are going to be discussing injectables with the doctor...even though i know it shouldn't be a big deal, the thought of giving myself shots every night is kind of scary and overwhelming to me. i am baking some pumpkin bars for a work potluck tomorrow and went to the store after work and bought all the stuff to make dave beef stew for dinner tomorrow night and picked up some scary movies, but in my head all i can think about is the appointment. i am working on a list of questions to ask to make sure that we will be completely informed before proceeding on to the next level.

right now i am just trying to focus on halloween, sometimes i find the only way to deal with stress or fear is to focus on something else. i am trying to enjoy the good things about each day, but it has been pretty tricky today.

i am going to try my best to have a happy holiday, i just hope i feel better once the appointment is over.

trick or treat

every year i buy candy to give out to trick or treaters and every year no children come to my door. last year we bought so much candy and filled a glass pumpkin container and we got a total of (wait for it) one trick or treater...that's right, one. i was working the evening shift last year so of course i missed it. a few months ago rachel and i went shopping and i found the cutest halloween candy bowl and i have been looking forward to halloween so i could use it. i told dave a couple of weeks ago that i wanted to give out full size candy bars and we decided not to do it because he doesn't think we will get very many kids where we live. tonight i stopped by the store on my way home and saw that all the hershey brand candy bars were four for a dollar so i decided to bite the bullet and buy some. i only spent six dollars but i am super excited...now i am just hoping that we at least get a couple of kids at our door...last week rachel had told me that she had decided to buy full size candy bars too. i guess great minds think alike. maybe i am hoping too that if we give out really good candy that kids will remember and we will get even more trick or treaters next year...one can only hope...i know i am a giant dork, but i get really excited about holidays...too bad so many of my siblings live out of state, it would be really fun if they could bring their kids trick or treating to my house and see all of their costumes...

worth a shot

our vacuum has been broken for a while now and we have yet to go out and purchase a new one...we haven't wanted to buy a cheap one that will break again but we are not really in the position to spend much money on a vacuum as fertility treatments are pretty pricey. so while we desperately need a new vacuum and pink is my favorite color i am going to recommend you go to this site and give it a shot too. a dyson is a dyson and my sister raves about hers. so here is the site: Win a Dyson “Pink” Vaccuum in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

if the fates are listening, please let me be the winner!

murphy's law

this morning i got pulled over by a policeman for following someone too closely. this guy in front of me was creating a roadblock and he was in the passing lane. i sped up to try to get around him and when i changed lanes, i heard the sirens and saw the flashing lights. i pulled over and reached in my purse and my wallet was not there! i was so upset. i always have my wallet on me. where could it be? i found a photocopy of my license attached to my gym membership but that is all. i was on the verge of tears. i am right in the middle of a round of especially torturous fertility medication that keeps me pretty emotionally charged in any situation, let alone this one. the officer asked if i knew why he pulled me over.

i said, "why don't you go ahead and tell me."

he told me that i was following too closely and asked why i would do that. i told him that i was in the passing lane and the guy in front of me had created a roadblock so i was trying to get around him. then he asked for my license, registration and proof of insurance.

(this is where it gets good)

i said, "listen officer, you are not gonna believe this but...i always have my license with me and when i just went to get it out of my purse, i could not find it, i must have left it at home by mistake."

he said, "you know why you don't have it, don't you?"

"why?" i asked.

he said, "because you were going to be pulled over today, it's murphy's law."

well, i found that fairly amusing but i was still pretty emotional so i just nodded and said, "Of course it is, murphy is out to get me."

he said, "no big deal, it happens to everyone, it's happened to me before."

he took my information and went back to his car for twenty minutes, all the while i was just praying that he would give me a break. i thought about the increase to our insurance premiums and what a tough week i have already had, i just wasn't in the right mode to deal with this on top of everything else.

when the officer got back he said, "i am not going to give you a warning for not having your license on you, but now you know that it is against the law to drive without your license(who doesn't know that) and i am going to issue you this warning for following too closely, in the future, even when there is someone creating a roadblock, you need to allow a three-car space between your car and the car in front of you." as soon as he said this i burst into tears and thanked him and told him that i am a little emotionally unbalanced right now because of fertility meds.

He busted up laughing and said, "Clomid?" and i nodded my head as i cried and laughed.

he said, "we are in the same boat. my wife hates that stuff. do you have any kids?"

i said, "not yet, hoping to soon"

he said, "we have a son that is four years old and he is the reason i am here. don't worry, kids are worth it...and be nice to your poor husband...now traffic is starting to get bad so i want you to be careful as you ease out, i will stay here and if you have a hard time getting out i will turn on my lights and let you out."

when i told dave this story, he laughed out loud so i thought i would share it on my blog. i am hoping this is the beginning of a lucky streak for me, because if anyone needs some luck right now, it is me...

to blog or not to blog

my blog has been neglected lately. i have felt down and haven't had anything good to say. i even went as far as making it private and contemplated deleting it altogether. dave did not like being denied access to my blog(that's right, even my husband didn't have the code to get in) but i was just tired of blogworld. it is a blog eat blog world out there. i sometimes feel like the blogs are meant only for mothers to showcase their beautiful children...but also i think i take the old addage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" too much to heart, even in my writing. if i can't write something entertaining, or clever, or uplifting then i am not going to write anything at all. i find myself being critical of myself when i am writing. it is not well-written, i am not smart enough, etc. i have made a decision. i am going to use this blog as a journal for me. i am going to leave it public but let this post serve as a warning. i am now putting the proverbial caution tape around this blog. life is messy...and i want to start writing more about mine, even if it is just a little each day about my experiences, good and bad.

this week has been a real struggle for me. wednesday marked one year from the day we found out we were pregnant. so many emotions in my heart and in my head. when we miscarried it was a very dark and lonely time for us, but in many ways, it is harder now. we thought we would be able to conceive again quickly and have a healthy pregnancy and baby in our home soon. one year later, here we are with empty arms...dave and i watched little mitchell this afternoon and we enjoyed it thoroughly. then rachel, jeremy and jj came over to our house for some dinner and a movie. we didn't end up watching the movie too much because it was so entertaining to watch jj and mitchell. my heart ached when everyone left, especially the babies. i can't wait for the day when we have a baby in our home. it is hard for me to believe that it will happen, but i keep moving forward and try to keep my bucket of hope filled. i am so lucky to have such a great husband. thursday i started crying at work, i had had such a frustrating experience with my doctor's office and was just feeling defeated...luckily no one was around to see my meltdown and i was able to go to the restroom and get cleaned up. dave came over to my building for a meeting and even though we didn't get a chance to talk much, he could see i had not had a good day. when i got home from work, before i could even get out of the car, dave opened the door and walked into the garage holding pink roses for me. i really can't even express my love for him because there are no words to describe it. i am trying to give thanks for everything that i have instead of getting down or overwhelmed with the challenges that are mine. someday we will have children, but i am so glad that right now and forever, we have each other.