oh boy, this past week has been hard one. little one has been pretty fussy and has refused to take naps i have been very tired. when i am tired i become agitated much more easily...not so much with audrey but with myself. i find i have a wealth of patience for audrey and her little pains and bouts of crying but it is hard to find that patience with myself. i find i am disappointed because i want to do things perfectly and if i fall short of my expectations (no matter how unrealistic) i feel like a failure. i have thought about this a lot this week. i look at my baby girl and i want to give her everything...i don't mean everything in the material sense but every advantage as far as the intangibles. i want to give her confidence. i want to give her love. i want to give her wisdom. i want to teach her to love other people. i want to give her the gift of knowing how wonderful she is. i want to teach her forgiveness, not just forgiveness for others but forgiveness for herself. i want to give her knowledge. i want her to know that life is a journey, that each one of us is a work in progress and that mistakes are made and life goes on.
when i was growing up, my mom often said, "those things happen" when we would spill milk or break a glass and yet i find in my life when i burn dinner or break something, i beat myself up. i am sure that when audrey disappoints herself on a test in school or drops something i will say, "those things happen" and mop it up and give her a hug and move on but i have noticed this week two little eyes on me constantly. since audrey has been a little more fussy than usual, we have spent more time at home. no matter what i am doing, audrey is watching. she watches me make her bottle, do the dishes, type on the computer, talk on the phone...all the time she is learning about life from what her mom does. it is a big responsibility. i feel the weight of it as she watches me. what am i saying that one day audrey will say? what am i doing that one day audrey will do? i am so hard on myself and that is a problem. no matter how much patience i have with audrey, unless i can learn to be more patient with myself, audrey will learn that in order to be acceptable, she has to be perfect (to me she already is) and do things perfectly the first time, every time. she is teaching me every day about myself and who i want to be. it is becoming that person that is the trick.
two little blue eyes watching me as i snap her in her car seat...
Sunday, November 9, 2008
do as i say, not as i do
Posted by pinkmorning at 5:25 PM
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8 comments:
well said. It is easy to get down on yourself especially as a mom, but you do a great job and Audrey couldn't be more precious!
I think it's great that you want to be such a great example and that you are aware. I think many parents don't even think about the ramifications of what they do, even while the kids are little.
I think you're wonderful and that you can get it all sorted out. Just keep doing what you know is right (for you and your family) and look for answers as you go!
It takes a while to come to terms with the fact that your house might be messy, or you might feel frumpy, or you might be unorganized- but thats okay- because your baby is healthy and bright and sweet and safe and thats all that matters. SHE is so gorgeous. I need to see her soon!
I too have little patience with myself. I am overly critical. I think it is a valuable skill to learn to give yourself a break when you fall short. You are doing a great job as a mom and Audrey is blessed to have you! That is such a cute picture of her!!
I think that comes with the territory of being a woman. We are all way to critical of ourselves. I agree w/ Jessica- she is healthy and happy and she couldn't have better parents than you and Dave! She is a lucky gal having to mimick you two!
My friend, there is only so much time in a day. And you are spending your time wisely. Don't be too critical of what you could not fit in.
i think you're doing a great job!! and being patient is key. you're a wonderful mother! (and cousin :D)
If I tried to teach that "those things happen" when I was younger, I am even more of a convert now. I just don't expect perfection of myself because it is too much of a burden--so now I know that those things happen and they happen and they happen and I am happy anyway.
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