This weekend I spent some time trying to relax...trying to let go of things that have hurt me recently. I was thinking about what a difference a year makes. I feel like a completely new person than I was a year ago and I don’t know if I like this girl as much as I liked the old me. I feel like I am just a shadow of myself right now…like all the joy, humor and light that I once had has been snuffed out leaving only a colorless form. I want to believe that I won’t always feel like this. People say that through pain, disappointment and struggle there is a stretching of the soul, a kind of education that is invaluable because it causes you to grow, to develop into something you could never be without them.
What if you like who you were before?
What if you run out of energy to keep your faith strong and your hope alive? What if your life’s picture was beautiful and meaningful already and adding more “stuff” to it changes it in a way that is negative? I was thinking about this when I was decorating cookies with my little nieces a few weekends ago. I was adding dye to the frosting and mixed two colors that shouldn’t have been mixed. They made a horrible puke-colored purple and no matter what else I added I couldn’t make it look pretty again. The only thing to do was to start from scratch with a new tub of frosting. I sometimes wish I could start from scratch with my memory. In the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” they could delete painful relationships from a person’s mind so they could go through life without that pain tainting their life or their next relationship…just start over from scratch with all the optimism and happiness that one should be able to feel as they go on their journey through life...I want to be able to do that. When I am able to get pregnant again (God willing) be able to glide through the pregnancy with that innocent joy of one who has never experienced the loss of a pregnancy and the fear, anxiety and guilt that accompany such loss. When I meet people I want to be able to take them back in time to meet me, “Here I am, see this is really me. I am fun. I am happy. I am not easily offended. I do not cry at the drop of a hat. I do not fear social situations. I do not let my insecurities rule my relationships with other people. I do not think I am less capable than others. This is who I identify with. I do not relate to the girl who is standing before you now. She is a stranger to me.” Oh, how great it would be to be able to start from scratch, to be able to take out anything that has somehow distorted me into this person I don’t know. Eternal sunshine, indeed…
Monday, August 13, 2007
Eternal Sunshine
Posted by pinkmorning at 1:20 PM
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16 comments:
remember that this period of time is but a thread in the beautiful tapestry that is your life. i find you more beautiful and wonderful with each passing day and am continually awed by your capacity to love, understand others while steadying yourself in turbulent waters.
I'm glad you say "when" you get pregnant again, not "if." I didn't know you before, but I sure like who you are now! :) I missed your writing the past few days!
What a beautiful post. I am sorry for all the pain that you have gone through in the past year. I wish I could make it better somehow. Know that you are Dave are constantly in my prayers and I fasted for you yesterday, because last Sunday was a little crazy for me and I didn't get to do it like I wanted to.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers. You know, there are times in our life when we don't recognize the person we are becoming, the person (perhaps) we were always meant to be. And the journey to becoming that special person is the tough part. But someday you will look back and "see"... you will be more compassionate because of the loss and the struggles you have gone through. You will be a devoted and dedicated mother because of the journey you were on to have your children. You will continue to love deeply and openly and wonderfully because you know that love - among everything else - is one of the greatest things we all want in life, and my goodness, it seems you and Dave hold that magic. Those perfect puzzle pieces that fit together beautifully. Please know you have friends "out here" thinking of you!!
xo,
Audrey
While in the depths of sadness, it is difficult to see that it will one day fade and joy will return. The only way out is to go through it and accept help from loved ones along the way. While it is not easy to see a happier day right now, believe that it is coming and watch for it. Understand that even in your grief, it is alright to let yourself smile. You are a strong woman and have traveled a long, difficult journey. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You were definately the eternal sunshine in my world when we took carlsbad and oceanside by the horns. There were so many days that I was so full of gratitude for you and your strength...regardless of what life throws on, we have to remain strong and love who it makes us. You are even more amazing than I ever imagined that you could be - I miss your humor and laugh...that is who you are - just keep smiling and the clouds will go away :)
I love your posts! They always get me thinking about my own situations. Even though you may not connect with the person you are at this time, you are a very relatable and lovable person!
I think it is interesting how I find myself changing all the time too. Last year I didn't know myself either. However,it is starting to get better.
I know there are a lot of people who love you no matter what! Thanks for the thoughtful post!
You are welcome!
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Phone: (619) 232 - 5094
Have a fun trip!
It is intersting tha tyou should post about this, because this is the same that I have been thinking about lately. It iseems that in every stage of our life we take on new perspectives, and understanding. Sometimes, this new understanding can chance our context so much that we feel different inside. I thought that Eternal Sunshine Movie was so interesting, but I would not want to erase experience, no matter how painful, for it makes up our character. I love you and I know you.
Julie you have such an eloquent way of using words. Isn't growing up a hard lesson to learn. There are many changes in our life, that we may or may not be happy with, and yet we grow and learn from all of those situations.
I want you to know that there is not a day that I am not praying for you and the day that you do get pregnant again. You are an inspiration to me and many others whether you see that or not. Your strength is unbelievable. You will have great things come your way. You are a daugther, grandauhter, aunt, sister and friend. And how you look at your losses, you are a mom. You were granted with a pregnancies that some will never experience and you will see your angels, as they will be with you always and forever.
ditto on everything you wrote. sorry you are feeling down. i can totally relate. we're in this journey together remember! you are not alone. sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. i just KNOW it's gonna happen for us..we just don't know the day and it's making us go nuts. keep the faith girl!
I don't know what else to say but that I think you are bright and sunny...not the person you think you are today. And like your DH said, this is a small snippet of your life. The sun will return, even though it doesn't seem like it. Have a BLAST on vacation!!
I absolutely love and appreciate your genuine posts. They are honest and real, and I really needed to read this one tonight. Thank you. And thank you for the kind comment you left on my blog this week. My thoughts are with you as you work through this moment in time to discover a more joyous tomorrow.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. All I know is that I've only "known" you for a few months, but you are certainly the kind of person I would want to be around! Thinking of you.
Jane, P&B Girls
Just checking back in! I hope you are feeling better! :)
We miss you...just wanted to see how you are!!
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