trial lake

last night dave and i went camping together for the first time. it was so beautiful and so cold. we really enjoyed ourselves. we are already planning our next trip! big thanks to rachel and jeremy for lending us their camping gear!


trial lake


julie and dave


dave building our fire so we could cook dinner


trail mix that i put together...


homeade guacamole that dave made...yum!


waiting for our tinfoil dinners to be ready...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA

"they see me roll on my segway"

our trip to california was a blast! we loved spending time with eliot, angie, madison and mitchell. we did so many fun things. we went to petco park and saw the padres play, we ate lunch at mcdonald's bistro gourmet(a fancy mcdonald's that has panini sandwiches and gelato), we went to the container store, ate lunch one day at the cheesecake factory, played with the lite brite a lot, went to see wicked(loved it, already dying to see it again), rented segways(they are so fun, i want dave to buy me one now) to ride up and down the coast on pacific beach, went to a yummy brazilian steakhouse, watched both bourne movies, went to see the bourne ultimatim, put together a binder full of delicious recipes(thanks angie!), had dinner at in n' out, had dinner another night at the ward's house(yummy fajitas and taco dip, thanks again angie!), had great conversations with people we love very much, had lunch at cozymels, colored many color-wonder pictures and truly enjoyed our trip...thanks eliot, angie, madison and mitchell for being such great hosts!



i love this picture of dave holding mitchell

Eternal Sunshine

This weekend I spent some time trying to relax...trying to let go of things that have hurt me recently. I was thinking about what a difference a year makes. I feel like a completely new person than I was a year ago and I don’t know if I like this girl as much as I liked the old me. I feel like I am just a shadow of myself right now…like all the joy, humor and light that I once had has been snuffed out leaving only a colorless form. I want to believe that I won’t always feel like this. People say that through pain, disappointment and struggle there is a stretching of the soul, a kind of education that is invaluable because it causes you to grow, to develop into something you could never be without them.

What if you like who you were before?

What if you run out of energy to keep your faith strong and your hope alive? What if your life’s picture was beautiful and meaningful already and adding more “stuff” to it changes it in a way that is negative? I was thinking about this when I was decorating cookies with my little nieces a few weekends ago. I was adding dye to the frosting and mixed two colors that shouldn’t have been mixed. They made a horrible puke-colored purple and no matter what else I added I couldn’t make it look pretty again. The only thing to do was to start from scratch with a new tub of frosting. I sometimes wish I could start from scratch with my memory. In the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” they could delete painful relationships from a person’s mind so they could go through life without that pain tainting their life or their next relationship…just start over from scratch with all the optimism and happiness that one should be able to feel as they go on their journey through life...I want to be able to do that. When I am able to get pregnant again (God willing) be able to glide through the pregnancy with that innocent joy of one who has never experienced the loss of a pregnancy and the fear, anxiety and guilt that accompany such loss. When I meet people I want to be able to take them back in time to meet me, “Here I am, see this is really me. I am fun. I am happy. I am not easily offended. I do not cry at the drop of a hat. I do not fear social situations. I do not let my insecurities rule my relationships with other people. I do not think I am less capable than others. This is who I identify with. I do not relate to the girl who is standing before you now. She is a stranger to me.” Oh, how great it would be to be able to start from scratch, to be able to take out anything that has somehow distorted me into this person I don’t know. Eternal sunshine, indeed…

For Dave

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night.
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

i did not write this poem. i posted it on my blog to tell you Dave how much i love you and thank you for always being there for me in my times of sorrow and pain, not just the joyful, happy times and to let you know that i am always here for you too.

keeping up with the jones’ blog

I am new to this blogging thing. I have been blogging for about two months. I started this blog as a journal with the intention of recording my thoughts and feelings about the world and my place in it. I did this for myself. I find that writing is therapeutic and helps me to center myself when I feel off kilter. I was hesitant to share my blog because I feared I would unintentionally commercialize it and may end up feeling the need to censor it for a particular audience. I am a perfectionist, and want things to be the way I want them. I did share my blog with my family and then I have been slowly branching out as some of my friends have started blogs, or started sharing them with me. I also find interesting blogs as I wander around in blogworld. The perfectionist in me is very critical of my blog, the writing isn’t good enough, the stories aren’t that interesting, no one reads it anyway, and it needs improvement. I see blogs that are so appealing to the eye, blogs that are so witty, blogs that are done by professional writers and I feel that mine is inadequate. I need to do more, be more funny, be more smart, be more entertaining…this is how I feel in my own life, so it would only make sense that my tendency toward perfectionism would seep into my blog as well. Last week the fabulous ladies at pinks and blues awarded me with the blogger reflection award.



I was utterly amazed and close to tears when I read the paragraph they had posted about me on their blog. It is so incredible to me that people even read my blog, let alone really listen to what I have to say. There is something so validating in it. It makes me feel like what I have to say matters, i am important and the experiences in my daily life are significant. Thanks pinks and blues for making me feel like my blog is okay and that it is being read. I no longer feel the need to go out and have a bumper sticker custom-made to read: "my blog is just as good as your blog…"

wicked birthday fun

i had such a great birthday yesterday. thank you to all of my family, friends and online buddies who called me or sent me a note wishing me a good day. i really appreciate it. i had such a fun weekend of celebration. it started on friday going to lunch and "hairspray" with Rachel and then Dave took me to the pizza factory for dinner. on Saturday Dave and i had some friends over for a barbeque, we had lots of yummy food, drinks and good company. it was a great night. Dave took me to breakfast on sunday and then Rachel, Jeremy and JJ came over for some dinner and the name game. Dave spoiled me silly with presents. i don't know how i got so lucky in love...

he got me tickets to see "wicked" when we are in california next month. i have been wanting to see this play for over two years and i am so excited. i have read the book three times and i am thinking i may read it again before we go!

...and this beautiful elphaba necklace with swarovski crystals and antiqued silver

...and a casablanca poster, i have wanted this poster for a long time


and bought me the "hairspray" soundtrack from itunes. thanks babe for the best weekend ever. you always make me feel so special.